I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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