It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
