your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
