I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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