my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm like, not good at living.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
