i'm signing you up for texting rehab
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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