I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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