i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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