Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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