I want to have your abortion
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
