I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
