When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize