When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
