I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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