I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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