nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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