cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
