i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
