It's like God shit irony all over that family
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
