apparently the secret to your success is patron
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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