The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
