I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I wish there were birth control emojis
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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