If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Screwed.edu
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
