He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
They deliver.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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