Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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