Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
