Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
