my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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