omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
