I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
