glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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