I wish my penis had an off switch
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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