this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
