Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize