Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
