So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
