I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
