I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
