you're like a bully in the Christmas story
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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