Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
