first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
