i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
