is your mom at the bar?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
