she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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