I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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