it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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