Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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