I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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