I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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