wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
