If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He shit in the fireplace
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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