so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
