We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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