When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
