Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize