You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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