Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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