I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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