I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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