you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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